Expecto Patronum!!!!

My family doctor diagnosed that I had acute appendicitis by just pressing my abdomen and ratified that later with a scan for my satisfaction (dissatisfaction rather…) He advised immediate appendectomy since it was the nascent stage and can be performed by Laparoscopy (an easy painless process) rather than the traditional cut open way. For the next 2 days I surfed over the net regarding the disease, the hospital and the doctor who is going to perform the surgery. I was satisfied with my doc’s reputation for he is the first one to perform a liver transplant in India… man that’s something. Ok I won’t die for sure…

The D-Day arrived and with it the most awkward moment too. The ward boy came with a razor to shave my pubic hairs. I stripped to my briefs but he wanted me to be naked. After confirming that he wasn’t a gay I agreed passively with a strict warning not to get lured by my six packs. After that I was dressed up in a surgical suite, the most comfortable dress I have worn till date. I was moved to Operation Theater after my cousin wished me ALL THE BEST!!!

He can be the best doctor in town but if ‘saneeswaran’ sleeps beside you in a double cot there is little he can do. When I just entered the theater the security came running to the doc with the best news I could possibly hear.

“Hey doc… Is ‘HELL 666’ white Honda Civic in L2 parking yours?”
“Yup. Any parking problem?”
“Nothing much… it’s just that it carries an attractive black dent now. Thought you would be interested to meet the creator of the dent.”
“What the f**k???? I got it painted only last week. Who the hell was that irresponsible guy?”
“I don’t know, a black SWIFT DESIRE guy”
“ohho..That’s my cousin” said yours truly in a pleading voice.

What an auspicious start. When the doc left I was given anesthesia. Had one helluva sleep.

It took me sometime to realize why I was there. Thanks to the pain in my right abdomen, it helped me to figure out the whole story. “Someone please save me. Please help me. I can’t bear the pain… anybody… please” I cried. I wasn’t able to see properly, but definitely I can tell that humans walked around, as though I never existed. Perhaps I thought I was dead, but then there shouldn’t be any pain… Well how do you know how death is like idiot you have never experienced it, then I felt someone pushing my body, though my visibility was pretty poor the words OPERATION THEATER beneath a bright red bulb was crystal clear. Why am I being taken to the operation theater again? Something has definitely gone wrong.

“Hey that case was just operated” told one ward boy laughing at the other two guys who moved me to the THEATER. Voww… that was relieving. I was taken to my room. These days local anesthesia is used for surgeries and hence I woke up within a few minutes after my operation was completed. I had a severe pain because the doc had performed a cut open (due to my cousin???) and unfortunately they can’t give a pain killer shot for the next 8 hours. Definitely one of the worst days in my life, I squealed all the while till I was given a pain killer.

Though you don’t do any work, hospital is not a good place to be on earth to spend time. Operation sucks out half the happiness in your life and the hospital environment takes care of the rest. Tough times ahead… I wasn’t even able to walk without a support for the next few days. I was down both mentally and physically to that level that I was fully confident my brain can’t work out a simple arithmetic problem anymore. I would have literally died but for the nurses.

Even the worst ‘mokkai’ among your friends circle would be the best joke for them. And they will be ready to talk as much as you want for they get a change in their ‘sick’ life. And they provide extra care while injecting an IV if you just say “You are the best!!!” The ultimate point was when I learnt to check the B.P. in a sphygmomanometer from a hottie and my first patient was her.

I had to spend the whole of next week at home in bed-rest. It was damn too boring for my mom banned computers. I would have savored any phone call or visit from anyone on earth. But to my dismay the phone calls were paltry in number. I felt lonely in the country of a billion.

The longest conversation I had was with HSBC marketing lady who dint trust that I was already holding a GOLD CREDIT CARD of theirs and started in a cute voice “Sir. Don’t lie sir”. The conversation went on for another TEN minutes.

At last the year…. oops the week passed by, I was back in Bangalore doing what I am best at… EATING!!! Well now that I don’t have appendicitis and it does not grow back at least in the case of normal human beings I started hogging again.
In the last weekend’s party I heard someone saying “Mani will finish those samosasssss…don’t worry”

Dementor's kiss

It took me sometime to realize why I was there. Thanks to the pain in my right abdomen, it helped me to figure out the whole story. “Someone please save me. Please help me. I can’t bear the pain… anybody… please” I cried. I wasn’t able to see properly, but definitely I can tell that humans walked around, as though I never existed. Perhaps I thought I was dead, but then there shouldn’t be any pain… Well how do you know how death is like idiot you have never experienced it, then I felt someone pushing my body, though my visibility was pretty poor the words OPERATION THEATER beneath a bright red bulb was crystal clear. Why am I being taken to the operation theater again? Something has definitely gone wrong.

It all started with a very good habit of yours truly. I never thought that such a good habit would fetch me a one way ticket to hell. And that habit was yours truly doesn’t like to waste food. In one of the parties when we all felt guilty for ordering more food I pitched in and said “I will try to finish it.” In the next party it was “Mani can you try to finish it” and in the very next it was “Don’t order more da we can’t eat… but… Oh Mani is there na, then no probs…” And slowly I became a glutton. When I was happy I ate more, when I was depressed I ate even more.

Things went even worse when I had to move away from my family in search of money (peanuts rather). I was always determined to get more peanuts and worked so hard that I ignored my health and had to pay the penalty. One day my stomach ached. Though I had umpteen stomach aches before, this one was ominous which made me wake up Venki (one of my roommates) at around 11 in the night and pay a visit to Manipal.
“Don’t you have any lady nurses?” I asked the male attendant who about to give me an IntraVeinous shot. “It’s very late in the night” came a terse reply. Ahh!!! I was deprived of the only good fact about going to a hospital. Then I underwent a scan – result negative. With a couple of tablets minus Rs.1000 they sent me home saying that it might have been a small food poisoning. I felt guilty for waking up Venki and 2 other doctors for nothing, though the solace was I really dint have anything malicious.

Soon I was proved right, for the pain kept me awake the whole night and I left for the hospital alone early in the morning leaving a message to sriram (one of my other roommates). Another IV but this time I was lucky, a Mallu nurse. Another scan but still they found nothing. I was again sent home with a couple of tablets and a big syrup bottle add-on minus Rs.2000 this time.

Next 2 days I was just lying in my bed hoping that the pain will alleviate. At last it did but I lost my appetite too with it. I would have continued with just fruits if not for Pavi and her mom, enjoyed home food for a week. I was to leave for Chennai to consult with my family doctor the following week since the pain hadn’t alleviated fully. Thanks to Venki, Sriram and Pavi, they took a good care of me till I went to Chennai. Bigger thanks to YOU-KNOW-WHO, my other egotist room mate who was absolutely nonchalant about my qualms.

... To be continued

When I sat on the other side of the table...

It’s definitely attractive to sit on the other side of the table playing demigod to the souls who desperately want to prove their competence to you. I got such an opportunity and man it was a damn good feeling. I still wonder why the managers decided to send me to interview candidates, of course yours truly is brilliant no doubt in that, but generally a one year experienced is not given an opportunity to change the fate of many and the company.

Most of my colleagues were happy that I would recruit more females and the others were unhappy for the same reason. I still wonder why people have that notion about me being biased towards female candidates. However I am still happy for the fact that they don’t think I might be biased towards males. So all set, I and two of my fellow colleagues were chosen to interview candidates for our division.

I started preparing for the interview the previous night and brushed up the basics with my collected interview papers when I was looking out for a job. Googling is the easiest way but many candidates would have done the same and you obviously want to give them something unexpected. I slept at around 1 and woke up at 6 and started preparing again. It took me a whole night to realize that I am not attending the interview rather taking the interview. Still I dint wanna risk and downloaded few questions in my lappy.

As soon as we reached the venue we found a huge crowd gathered around the gate. They were apparently late and hence not allowed to take the interview. We walked pompously towards the gate showing off the IBM BATCH (You should have witnessed the crowd watching us; it was either like watching a hippo in a zoo or looking at the angels descending from the Heaven to purge their sins). The security guy mistook us for candidates and we had a tough time explaining him that we were from IBM, damn… it was one embarrassing moment which sent the pompous walk packing.

Though we were supposed to conduct only personal interviews we helped the HRs in conducting the written test. I had a nostalgic feeling of how I wrote the same written test 2 years ago in my college. But I still can’t comprehend why students try to copy in the test. We decided not to create a scene by catching the candidates red-handed rather to give them a treat in the technical interview. Around 1/6th of the candidates were filtered from the written test. I and my colleague were given ten candidates to interview.

We decided to give a puzzle initially, then few algorithm questions and then move-on to some language basics and then to screw his/her area of interest. Our idea of giving the puzzle was to ensure that the candidate is accustomed to the environment and feels comfortable. Ironically it backfired and I was able to see most of the candidates freaking out and giving bizarre answers. So we decided to reduce the level of difficulty for the successive candidates. I heard so many “sir” that day that it compensated for the lack of the word in the corporate culture.

I was particularly impressed with a ECE candidate for he was so good in JAVA even though he dint have a JAVA course in his syllabus. “How did you learn so much in JAVA?”

“Sir my room-mate in hostel was a comp-sci guy and I was involved with him in doing his JAVA project”

“What other language do you know?”

“Sir Kannada Sir”. I was really astonished to hear the answer and still wonder whether that was an innocent reply or he was trying to give us something back.

To another candidate “What is the difference between C and C++?”

“Sir C++ has structures and classes but C don’t.”

What??? “Are you sure that C doesn’t have structures? How did you implement Linked list in C?” I said after recovering from the temporary shock, to give her a second chance.

“Ohh I am sorry C++ has structures and C has only classes”

To another candidate “Can you write a program to reverse a linked list?”

She evaded the question by saying “You can use Doubly Linked list na sir, why make life miserable using Singly Linked List”.

“What is the use of DLLs?”

“Sir Doubly Linked List is used for…”

“Well I meant the DLL files of Microsoft” “I don’t know sir”

This candidate was ultimate, had mugged up all the theory ones but in the wrong order. “What is the difference between array and linked list?” “Sir linked list is contiguous memory but array is non-contiguous” “Are you sure array doesn’t have a contiguous memory allocation” “Yes sir. We can get any member of the array so array is definitely non-contiguous”

Another candidate after screwing up the whole interview “Sir I am a very hard working candidate sir, I might not have been able to answer some questions because of the nervousness caused by interview sir. Bu I am a quick learner and can adapt to any situation sir” She had prepared that finishing statement very well.

After rejecting many we were finally able to find enough candidates who met our requirements. When we were done it was close to ten. It was a great learning process, but was a very tiring one too. I wasn’t able to get up till 12 the next noon. Looking back, I wouldn’t go for interviewing candidates again. The anguish in a candidate’s face in the middle of the interview when they know that they had done enough damage beyond repair will make you sleepless for weeks!!!

When I contemplated marriage…

Yet another Friday night I was sitting in front of my computer, debugging why our product crashed when a client tried installing a Japanese version of our product on a Chinese XP. “Friday night and it’s around 7:30, you are still sitting in the office? You don’t have a life, do you?” asked my project lead trying to draw more blood from my already bleeding nose, when he was about to leave the office. Wonder what this 33 year old who has a wife and a kid, apparently waiting for him at home, was doing till now. “What were you doing till 7:30 on a Friday night at office. At least no one expects me at home” I said trying to suck out the remaining part of his semi-dead soul. “Ironically that’s the reason why I am here” he said. “Ha ha then having none is better than having a pathetic one isn’t it” I said. My reply sent him packing.

His caustic words still echoed in my ears. Did I have a life? I tried spending the next few minutes in retrospection of how a typical “Manivannan” day was. I get up pretty early at around 7:00 (well it’s not that early if u are a college student, but it’s earlier than dawn if you are software professional). After an hour of exercise and the other essential morning activities I come to office close to 8:30 skipping my breakfast. I work till 8:30pm doing a dead man’s job and reach home around 9:30 after having dinner outside in the company of strangers. I reach home half alive and hit my sack faster than a lightning. After drowning in Sriram’s mokkais which work better than my granny’s lullabies I sleep, invariably dreaming about the same gal. Ok…The words have been etched in my heart. I DONT HAVE A LIFE.

“People say that I spend most of my time in the office. But you come earlier than me and leave after I do. Don’t you have a life?” asked one of my cube mates. “Well… the problem is no one will be there at home even I go early. My roommates come home mostly at around 9 in the night. It’s pretty boring to be home alone that’s why I spend most of the time at office.” “Why don’t you marry dude?” he asked me after a deep thought.

Those words came like a bolt from the blue. I started dreaming about how great my life would be if I married my dream girl. She would wake me up with a hot bed coffee. She would make good breakfast. She would wave me good bye, after coercing me to office with a hot pack for lunch. She would make at least ten calls while I am in office “Honey did you reach safe? Hubby did you like the lunch? Do you have loads of work sweetheart? Why dint you come home yet darling?” She would await me eagerly near the doors in the evening. Then we would go for a movie. After a candle light dinner we would come home. Then she would take me to the bed. Then… Then…

Knock knock. “Hehehe for a small injury in his finger you want him to chop his hand off” told a ruddy voice interrupting the most important part of my dream. That brilliant analogy was made by one of my other cube mates. “Well why dint you marry yet” I asked my last cube mate. “Me… marriage… well…” “You are 27 mate. Sure you would have given a thought about marriage haven’t you?” “Definitely yeah… Well… then the inflation is pretty high, so I am just waiting for the inflation to come down.” “What??? What has inflation gotta do with your marriage?” I asked him dumbstruck. “For a better ROI. I will get only a paltry dowry if I marry now, and with inflation at this rate, its value will be insignificant the very next day.”

“It’s road to perdition for the gal who marries you.” I said.

“I promised my wife that I will be home by 8. Damn this US call, I can’t go home before 10:30 now” cribbed my boss. Poor guy I have never seen him in office beyond 7, always thought he maintained the so called work-life balance. But everything has a beginning. “We are going for dinner boss, you wanna join?” I asked him. “Oh yeah, I am very hungry, the call is only at 9:30 but …” he saw his phone ringing. He came after 5 mins.

He was visibly shaken by the call. People started complaining to him about my interest in marriage over dinner. He was married just 2 years ago. He was considerably the right person to advice on marriage.

“Definitely you should marry Mani. Take my word on it. Marriage is the only thing in the world that teaches you what happiness is”

“Vowww… this is what I was waiting to hear boss, at least a single good response on marriage. So you are pretty happy after your marriage rite?”

“I dint say that, I told just that marriage taught me what happiness was. I dint know what happiness was until I got married. But by then it was too late”

Ohh ho… It is going in a wrong direction here.

“Which one you felt was better boss? Life before marriage or life after marriage”

“Life before marriage?? I don’t remember how it was?? There is nothing called as ‘life’ after marriage.”

“Et tu Boss??”

“You know what I did before marriage, ANYTHING I WANTED TOO….”

“That’s too rude boss. You bring a delicious lunch from home while we all eat this dog food. You should be grateful to your wife at least for that.”

“Grateful??? What the hell do you mean? I bring delicious food yeah… but I am the one who cooks that!!!”

All my dreams about my girl went without trace. I imagined how pathetic my life might turn out to be on hearing the opinions of people around me.

“Get up you lazy bones. Who will prepare the lunch? It’s already 8. Get up!! GEEETTTTTT UPPPPPPP!!!!” she would scream and might even pour a bucket of water on my face. “Drive properly you blind or what? can’t you see the motorcycle coming? A dent in my car I will make sure it has a counterpart on your face” she might say while I drive to drop her in office, proudly calling it 'her' car forgetting the fact that I was the one who gifted that on her previous birthday. “Honey how about dinner tonight??” “Do I look like an insane?? Who would come for dinner with you after reading your blog!!!! I will be coming late to home today. Prepare Roti and channa masala”

Forget it MAN… It looks like heaven from outside but it is definitely hell inside I guess. Enjoy being what you are currently…

DISCLAIMER: The post contains an element of fiction and it solely depicts the author’s opinions on marriage. If the characters in the post resemble any married guys life it’s not a mere coincidence, since invariably every married man or woman feels the same. The author is not responsible if some married guys feel remorse on their marriage or any guy reneged his promise on marriage with his/her love after reading this post. In spite of the opinions posted, the author has a strong urge to marry and eagerly waits to tie the knot with his dream gal, who is pretty good and not the way as she is portrayed :).

On a Friday night…

It was a Friday evening around 6:30, my mobile rang. “Hey you wanna go for a dinner tonight?” asked a charming voice on the other side. Voww… a gal asks me for a dinner… she should be insane yeah… well… who else would ask you for a dinner idiot, it’s no time to think…“Ohh yeah sure…” Only a stupid would miss such an opportunity. Here comes the villain of my dinner… I mean my manager was walking towards me. Ok I am in trouble now…

“Can you look into that 8000 bytes defect?” (A customer’s child cries when the line gets wrapped after 8000bytes and he can’t stand his wife berating him that he is unfit even to baby-sit. He takes it out on us and threatens not to use our product if we don’t increase our line size support”) “Yes boss”

“Don’t forget the multi-button crash defect he is a priority customer” (Another a**hole pressed Ctrl+Shift+Space+F1 and F7 together and can’t believe that the computer shuts down. Well this guy has 20 fingers in each hand I guess)”Sure boss”

“Are you working on that demo?” (I have to prepare a 10 minutes demo on our product to be shown to US customers, well in short the reason for which my boss is going to fly to US next week) “Yeah boss it’s coming out well” “Well one more thing… talk to Chu Chi regarding the Chinese translation and Chi Chu regarding Japanese translation to our product. They both are in US and might come online in another hour” “Sure boss”

“So what plans for the weekend?” Well I did hear a plan now… “Nothing much boss… Might go out for a movie” “Don’t worry about these tasks. It’s ok if you can complete it before Monday. Enjoy the weekend” yeah I would like to enjoy, but where is the weekend.

In the hope of getting more peanuts than what I get currently my lips have forgotten the words NO BOSS. An American counterpart earns more than 10 times for doing half my job. Can a situation be worse than this? Well yeah… there are some masochists staying in the office 23X7, forced to go home for an hour to bathe. And since it’s a relative scale in which peanuts are distributed, the others are expected to contribute equivalent to what those morons do.

“You know what… a gal asked me for dinner tonight?” I proudly told my cube mate. “No wonder it rained in the afternoon today” he said. “Damn man, tell me a good restaurant” “There are many sagars nearby… why not shanthi sagar…” For reader’s knowledge, sagars are the cheap vegetarian restaurants in Bangalore. Invariably in every street of Bangalore you can find a sagar. A guy in his right senses would never take a gal to a sagar for dinner. “Well can you tell me a proper restaurant? I don’t mind if it’s costly, first time in my life a gal has asked me out for a dinner” “Well with inflation going at this rate I think you should reconsider the decision given the fact that there is no ROI on this dinner… I think…” “You don’t have the capacity to think. Stop thinking…No wonder you don’t have a gal friend though you are 27”.

“At least don’t go by bike, petrol is now 70 per liter” “What are you blabbering it’s just 50” I said. “No they are gonna increase it overnight since the crude oil rates have increased to $140 per barrel.” He was right; the article on the INTERNET said that the Petroleum minister has proposed increase in petrol prices to the prime minister in spite of the opposition by the communists. “F*** man, all other prices are gonna increase now” I said. Well it’s not rocket science, petrol is an essential commodity and the price of every other commodity is directly or indirectly dependent on it. “Yeah rice, vegetables, water, milk, gas, bus ticket, auto fare, inflation everything would increase” he said. “Is there anything that would not increase?” I asked him desperately. “Yeah there is one thing I know that would never increase” “What is that?” I asked eagerly. “Our salary of course” was the reply.

I started dreaming about the dinner. How should I talk to her? What should my first words be? “What is the first thing you would ask a gal when you take her for a dinner dude?” I asked my cube mate. “Well whether she can pay the bill for our dinner?” “You are a jackass. A genuine jackass.” “Thanks mate” he said. “Why are you thanking me for that?” “I am genuine not a pirated one” “Mokkaii…”

It was 7:30 already; I was preparing to leave for my dinner.

“Leaving so soon? Half day today?” asked my cube mate.

“It’s not polite, to keep a gal waiting.”

“What about the defects?”

“I will finish it over the weekend”

“What about talking to those guys in the translation team?”

“Ohh yeah I forgot that… Can you talk to them?”

“Me…? Yeah sure… I wanted to talk to those American guys… they are the major reason for the increase in oil prices” One second… this guy is gonna screw up my job here. “Forget it. I will come early on Monday and talk to them.”

I started for the first date of my life…

DISCLAIMER: As usual the post contains some fiction. I wasn't able to find an insane gal to call me for a dinner. My first date is still a distant dream. My manager is not such a moron, he is in fact a pretty good guy.(In case he reads it :))

Some Interesting characters @ college

During one of the night-studies at around 1’ O clock, “We will study the theory till 3’O clock, and then revise till 3:30. We will look at the problems till 5. Then half an hour break. We will then give a whole round of revision till 7:30. We will then leave for college” said a geek. “Dude you forgot the fact that we have to sleep” I said terrified. “What did you think the half an hour break is for?”

"Hey!!! That’s a NO ENTRY, don’t go in that road" I told my friend who was driving the car. “It’s a shame, if I don’t use the road. Let’s see what any Police can do”, he said driving the car into the NO ENTRY road. Thank god no traffic constable took notice of us. “I think we can park it there”, I said looking at an empty parking space, but he drove still farther as though he never heard me. “What are u doing dude, we had lots of parking space there” “I am searching for a NO PARKING zone”

“Machi, where are you?” I asked just to ensure that he had started for the movie. “I have started macha; I will leave my bike at the Rly station, catch a train till guindy, and will then come by bus to the theatre”. He called me again after 15 mins. “Machi I am not coming da” “Why machiii what hpndd?? Where are you?”I asked almost shocked. “I am going home da. I came till the bus stand after parking my bike at the Rly station, and then I got confused. So I am going home.” “What confusion? What happened?” “Please leave me da, I will give money for the tickets. I am confused I can’t come”.

“Can you please enter the marks in the Attendance sheet” “Yes sir.” “Also collect the Examination fees from the students and pay it in the counter.” “Sure sir.” “Between since you guys are in final year you have fill up some form for alumni association, distribute that to students and get it back” “Ok sir””Oh I almost forgot about the farewell, invite all the staffs with an invitation card.””Sure sir”.”Can you manage all this you better take the help of some of your friends””No Problem sir I will do it. No issues”. Satisfied with the commitment the professor left. “What the hell is he thinking? Am I a human or animal?”

“Anna I read your blog, the posts are too good”, said a junior full of enthu. “Dude, don’t lie to me. Most of the people who read it say it’s a mokkai. Even I feel the same at times”.”No Anna they are very interesting. I really liked them. Between anna I wanted to ask you, will houses be available in Bangalore for rent when we come in July Anna?”Ahh, now I know why my blogs were interesting.

“Hey dude, what’s up you look very dull”, I said. “Machi he gave me a cup in Maths III da” “Forget it dude lets go to lunch somewhere” I said trying to comfort him. “I am not worried about the cup da, but the way he behaved. I went to the exam pretty late due to traffic jam da, I pleaded for 15 minutes of extra time. If he had said sorry, I don’t have time, I would have left quietly but the bast*** replied nonchalantly that the Govt. doesn’t pay him for the extra time”

While getting down the stairs one of my friends’ knee cap came out and he collapsed at the place. We all panicked. Since he already had a history of that problem we decided to take him home in an auto, from where we can call his family doctor. “Don’t worry macha things will be alright. I called your dad and told about it. He said he will call the family doctor home. He will be there at home when we reach. Hold the knee cap tightly da.” I said trying to comfort him. “How much did SA hit against India” was the reply.

DISCLAIMER: Unlike my previous posts, this post doesn't have fiction. All of them were true incidences. But the author is not responsible if the readers try to match the characters and found a wrong match. If the characters portrayed resembles people, whom the author "never had in his mind" it is purely co-incidental.

A midsummer night’s conclave

On an ordinary day we all would have slept after that eventful night. But since it was the last day we will be spending together, we decided to discuss about how life had treated us in the past year.

“How are gals in America machi? Any gal friends?” asked yours truly. “Yeah da one black to my left and another white to my right… are you kidding? They won’t even talk with us…” Ha ha same case here. Though most of the gals in Bangalore look great, I never got a chance to talk with one of them. Well… yours truly is pretty handsome, but still the gal should be insane if she preferred me over the hot male models and other 6 feet northies.

“How are professors in states da...? Do they teach well?” interrupted Niranjan. What the hell is wrong with this guy? He must be definitely insane. Before Kumaresh could answer the nerd I posted my next question…

“Did you go to any pubs? Discotheque?” “There is a dance bar machi only $5 entry, $10 for a lap dance… (Well I don’t like to lose my female readers… so the rest is censored. Please feel free to ping me if you wanna know the entire details).”Voww… gethu da, so how much did you spend that night? $50 eh?” I asked with loads of enthu, hoping that his reply would be the catalyst for my wildest dreams that night. “No no… I dint go to that bar da… I just read about it over the internet” replied Kumaresh. “You travelled 30000 miles spending 50000 bucks to look at the internet over there huh… Useless guy I could have done the same sitting here. Shame on you…” said a dejected Harish. Ok I wasn’t the only guy expecting a catalyst here…

“I enjoyed the life man. Babes and booze always” the kid started. “Like how you drank with Navin yesterday?” I asked. For reader’s knowledge, Bannu had made the same statement to Navin the day before. Navin decided to test it, and had ordered 2 mugs of beer.

“Drink it”

“Hey I drink only American brands dude, not the locals”

“This is Budweiser”

“Ohh ok. But you know the climate change; Chennai weather is not good for a beer”

“It’s raining outside”

“Well… you see I have to go home after this, it won’t be nice if my parents knew that I had been boozing”

“I am home alone we can spend the night at mine… now drink it before I kick your ass”

“Machi you see I am not in the mood da…”

“We all know how pathetic your life had been for the past year... that’s one helluva good reason to drink”

“Well machi, hmmm… machi… I have never drunk da…” at last the truth came out.

“Hey machi I actually don’t drink in public places da that’s why I dint” said Bannu. Niranjan and Harish were already rolling on the floors. All of a sudden Bannu became emotional and asked me in an appealing voice “Well machi, why are gals like this da?” “What do you mean?” “I mean what’s the deal with them?”

There was one thing in life Bannu wasn’t able to succeed and unfortunately it happened to be his most desired. “Why are they, the way they are?” he asked. I was horrified, no... Not on hearing the Kid’s story but the fact that my mobile was ringing. I was not hallucinating… How on earth at this time?

“Hey Hi…”

“So you are awake” Obviously… I don’t think a person can talk while sleeping. “What the hell were you doing?”

“I was…”

“Not even a single phone call… Did you even think about me?”

“Yeah but…”

“Still thinking about the cheerleaders, I guess”

“No… we are…”

“You are hopeless” and then the line went dead.

“You are asking the wrong guy mate” I told Bannu helplessly.

“Hey machi, How is You-Know-Who?” asked Kumaresh.

“How do I know?”

“He is your room-mate da, come on…”

“I live in the next room” I corrected.

“Anyway how’s he what is he doing” asked Kumaresh. For God’s sake how am I supposed to know…? “Is he preparing for Karnataka Board PUC, that’s the only thing he doesn’t know now.” said Niranjan after a deep thought. “Ohh yeah he prepared for GRE, GMAT, CAT and GATE in our final year, ironically he wrote none” said Harish. “You missed TNPCEE dude…” reminded Bannu (TNPCEE is Tamil Nadu Professional Courses Entrance Examination. Any candidate aspiring for BE/MBBS should have given it) “What? Why TNPCEE? We all have already written it” “Well… the Govt had revised the TNPCEE syllabus after we wrote…”

“He was telling me that he was going to the movies alone, why don’t you give him company?” asked Bannu.

“I would rather have my bottom impaled on a giant cactus rather than watching a movie with him”

It was a great night; the good old days were back. We all were chatting till around 4. We wished that the day would never end… But Time thought otherwise.

Disclaimer: The character YOU-KNOW-WHO is absolutely a fiction. If it bears the resemblance of any personality living or dead (or living without a life) it’s purely a co-incidence. And as always the incidences portrayed are not factual, there is an element of fiction added to kindle the interest in the reader.

Too many cooks..

When we were about to leave the ground someone said “I am very hungry”, that was when we realized that it was around 12:30 and we haven’t had our dinner. We (5 of us) started looking for a decent hotel in a car. Bannu was very skeptical though, “I think we should go home, it’s not safe to roam around at this time”. “What do we do for dinner then?” I asked. “We can cook” said Bannu. Everyone started to laugh. “Brilliant idea but for the fact that we have to eat it too” said Kumaresh.

Fifteen more minutes of roaming was in vain, the roads were deserted. “How come there is not even a single hotel open?” asked Harish. “May be, every one closed early to watch IPL” replied Bannu. “But logically one of them should have had it open. They would have made good business since others would have closed” I said. “Screw your logic, will you stop that mokkai now” said Kumaresh.

It was close to 1 then. “We should go home, there might be some gang war at this time” said Bannu. “What’s wrong with you kid this is India not America for anybody to shoot anybody he likes, dislikes rather” I said. At last we managed to find a kayendhi bhavan open. “We should go home, there might be some bandits, the shop is full of strangers” said Bannu. “We can have dinner here, we are all hungry”, replied Kumaresh nonchalantly as though he never heard Bannu. “No no we should go home; there is no guarantee for life now who cares for dinner?” He was definitely getting paranoid then. “I want to drink some juice in that juice shop” said Niranjan after waking up completely unaware of what was going on looking at a distant juice shop which definitely had a sinister look. “What the hell is wrong with you guys? It’s no longer safe here. We should go home”. Bannu was irrepressible we had to yield, else he would definitely cry we all thought.

We all managed to reach Kum’s home by 1:30. “Did you guys have dinner?” was the first question asked by auntie. We all stared at Bannu as though he was reason for all the fiasco and hence was responsible to answer the question. “No auntie, none of the hotels were open and we thought it wasn’t safe to roam at this time” replied Bannu. Everyone was furious now it was a blatant lie; it was never a “we”. “Mom, do you have any food left”, asked Kums. “Yeah there was...” “Oh that’s great we can help ourselves with that” said Kums. “I said there was… I gave it to a beggar, since there was lots of food left today”. “Which beggar auntie?” asked Niranjan? “Is that question very important now? What are you gonna do knowing that? Gonna beg that beggar for the food?”asked Kumaresh. “No issues I can cook for you guys just half an hour” said auntie. “No auntie we don’t wanna give any trouble for you, we will eat some bread and sleep”I said looking at the loaf of bread on the table, which looked more delicious than Butter Chicken at a Dhaba.

“Hey guys why don’t we cook?” asked Bannu again after auntie went to sleep. “That’s insane” I said. “No its not we all have tried cooking atleast once in the last year right?” replied Bannu. That was true to an extent. We all were forced to try our hands at cooking atleast once in the past year since we all lived away from the family either because of education or employment. We all reluctantly agreed.

The simplest and the tastiest thing to cook on earth is a Veg Pulao and the best cook in the world had told me that it’s best when the curry and rice were cooked separately and mixed while serving. We made a plan and divided the work among ourselves. I and Kums had to cut veggies, Bannu had to make the curry, Ninju had to make raitha and Harish had to boil the rice. “Use 5 cups of rice as we are all very hungry and make sure you wash the rice before keeping in the electric cooker.”I said, “I have boiled rice before and I know how to do it, cut the veggies properly”, replied Harish irritated.

The curry looked delicious and the smell was tantalizing. Raitha was also done, Ninju did cry more than what he did when the cheerleaders left the podium. After the curry was almost done and when we were preparing the table with water and plates I asked Harish “Hey dude between how many cups of water did you add to the rice”.

Harish: “What water?” he asked nonchalantly.

Kumaresh: He is just kidding never mind, he would have kept water just check the stove whether it’s cooked

Harish: No I dint keep any water? Why should you keep water for rice?

Ninju: For the rice to boil dumbo… for what else??... No... Not what else, well... for what other reasons.

Reminiscence of the past overtook him when he used the phrase what else… that he had to rephrase it. To our dismay Harish wasn’t actually kidding, he was oblivious of the fact that rice needs water to get boiled. The rice had turned into some black mass which we weren’t able to figure out what it was… and the whole living area was filled with the obnoxious smell.

Harish: I don’t understand? I have never used water before… but it had come out well

Kumaresh: Well then others would have done it. I swear I would have used your blood if I had seen the cooker before you closed it.

“What is happening here, what is the smell” asked auntie almost shocked. "Nothing much auntie, Bannu tried to show his cooking talent and it turned out like this", replied Ninju seeking revenge for his lost juice. But for the fact that Kumaresh had come on a 20 days vacation from US we would have been made chutney for their breakfast next morning…

At last we managed to eat sandwich, with the bread we had and the curry we made. It still tasted better than the butter chicken of a Dhaba…

Disclaimer: The cooking in the blog (especially by Harish) was done by professionals. Readers are advised not to try them at home. Author is not responsible if you are scolded by parents, or for any utensil damage.

A day at IPL...

It was yet another hot day at Chennai, when I was about to sleep, my mobile cried. “Machiiii, enna panra” That was the voice I had been longing to hear for about a year. That was the voice which had answers for the lost fun in my life. That was unmistakably the voice of Kumaresh. Life is full of fun when he is around; say it a resort, a long trip, a movie, beach, cricket…… he has plans“Hey dude, whats up? When did you come?” was the reply.

Kums: Forget that, lets meet up and go to IPL.

Me: I have never seen a Cricket match on the ground dude. You know that.

Kums: Deeiii this is IPL. And the kid has got the tickets next to cheerleaders.

(The kid was obviously Bannu, who got the name for not only his innocent looks but also his character)

Me: That’s really tempting, but no use sitting near Chennai Cheerleaders. I really hate them flaunting their clothes when half the country is in destitute poverty, with no clothes to wear

Kums: Deeiiii this is near Punjab cheerleaders.

Me: Ohh!!! I am on my way

People who don’t know the ABC of a cricket might wanna watch one after seeing those semi-clad cheerleaders. They definitely attract more crowd than MS DHONI. Yours truly wasn’t any different.

13 of us went to the match. The stadium was packed to the fullest, with everywhere people blaring loud pipes and music being played in the back ground. And we were watching with awe when the Punjab cheerleaders came and climbed the podium. When I felt they looked damn hot, I heard Niranjan saying “Machi, they are hot da”. Every one of us was petrified, stupefied. It was the moment of truth that dawned upon us. Niranjan’s roomies have achieved in 10 months what we haven’t been able to in 4 years. Niranjan was no more a boy he was a man. However Harish was skeptical about this transformation. He said “No he doesn’t mean it. It is just a phrase he had overheard and mugged from some conversation.”

Me: What do you mean by “they are hot?”

Njn: Well... Well... They are very white.

Kums: Then?

Njn: Their face..., it’s pretty

Harish: What else?

Njn: What “What else?” They are white and their faces look beautiful. What do you mean by what else?

Me: What else made you say they are hot?

Njn: What else is there? I don’t see anything else. I don’t think my vision is impaired?

Harish: See I told you he is still the same. He has not grown up.

Njn: No I am grown up. I look at gals.

Me: Well yeah… you have the flair to... But there is something more you gotta learn...

Njn: I know all the stuff... What else I gotta learn?

Kums: Well they can’t be taught. You gotta learn them on your own...

Njn: Nooo I am grown up. I know stuff...

Chennai was the first to bat and a wicket had fallen. I and Kums stood up to have a clear view of the cheerleaders dancing. “Hey dude, Wont they turn and dance to our side”, Kums asked. “I hoped they would dude”. When we were sincerely discussing about the cheerleaders Bannu asked “Why are you guys cheering for Punjab?” “Well we aren’t cheering them, between what made you think so?” Kums said. “Well you both are standing” That’s when we realized that we were the only guys standing in the whole crowd. “No we were just looking at the giant screen to see whether it was a clean catch”. Bannu wasn’t very convinced with the answer.

To our dismay Chennai played really well hardly giving any chance for the cheerleaders to dance. That was when I got the phone call which I can’t evade. “Hey hi, what’s up?” was the question, “Nothing much just came to watch IPL with guys...”, “Ohh you went to see the match... Drooling over the cheerleaders I guess?” Now I gotta answer carefully one wrong answer and my day would be doomed. “Cheerleaders no I can hardly see them, we came late and the seats were already occupied near them” Another wicket fell and I again stood up to have clear glimpse of the cheerleaders. “Good” was the reply. There was a sense of satisfaction in the voice. “It’s too noisy here, can’t hear much. Will call ya later” I said feeling exonerated.

The match was over, Punjab lost the match and Chennai cheerleaders started dancing like anything. We were very pissed off… if Punjab had won their cheerleaders would have made a similar dance “Damn screw the match it’s the worst I have ever seen”, I said.”No value for money” said Kums. “What? The match was too close dude. It’s the best match I have ever seen. Balaji took a hat-trick and Badri scored a half century. To top it all we won… What more do you want”, Bannu said.

“Grow up kid” said Kums.

Disclaimer: Everything said in this post need not be facts. There is an element of fiction added in order to kindle the interest in the reader. Readers are expected to take it sportively and if it hurts the sentiments or feelings of someone, the author is not responsible.