Why am I not a gay

With due apologies to my sexy roommate venki….

It was early morning around 9:30 and I was in the process of opening my eye lids, the toughest job of the day. It is easier said than done especially in bangalore owing to its chill weather, the warmth of the blanket and bed makes even the most workaholic lazy.

“Ring ring ringa ring ring ringa…” thus I tried opening my eye lids, listening to the tunes of AR Rahman from his latest flick Slumdog millionaire. Such a seducing song can drive your thoughts wild early in the morning. The first spectacle of the day was Venki… who came back from a bath keeping the music on in his laptop.

He was fresh from a shower and was wearing only a kerchief. Oh it was actually a towel, thanks to venki’s mammoth stature which shrunk its size. It held on to his hips in such a way that it will fall down any second with the slightest flow of wind. Covering his vitals it exposed his concaves and convexes which glittered in the shimmering rays of the morning sun through the window. He quickly changed to a bikini… his thighs were like Rambha’s, aduppu mathiri oru iduppu and with overall plump figure he looked sexier than Shakeela in papa potta thaapa. It took me some effort to control my mind “That’s a boy Manivanna... that’s a boy… no... Don’t even think about it” 

Then I wondered why I am not a gay. There are considerable advantages being a gay.

First, obviously you can live with your partner in the same room and the whole world would encourage and appreciate it, sharing a room with girl friend… well ensure that Muthalik doesn’t know. 

Secondly, low maintenance cost, unlike a girl friend who would expect a gift every time you meet.

Thirdly, you can go out freely with your partner holding hands and no one would mind a thing, unlike the case when you go with your girl, they give a despising look, and even worse most of them would be drooling at your girl friend. 

Last but not the least,you can share clothes, including undergarments*

(*sizes apply)

Well one thing that has always puzzled me is “In what position do gays do?” 

Considering these advantages I wish I were a gay at times. Well what can I do, my hormones don’t work that way. Even in the case of venki, it was his feminine features that attracted me.

A week without rice

After my short stint as a python which costed me the appendix, I started worrying about my physique. I don’t look like a hippo (I think so) however I don’t look like a hrithik either (we are just talking about physical shape… color or facial appearance which can’t be changed unfortunately are not included here. It is my fate that I have to live with it… after trying fair & lovely,lush,lakme,et al. which proved invain and not to mention my haircut cum facial which shrunk my pocket by Rs.4000). So I decided to change the things which I had control over- my weight.

Googling on nutrition and diet I figured that essentially there is just one thing we need to take care of. The amount of food we eat should be in proportion with our day-to-day activities. We usually eat more than what is required (not a rocket science), speaking like an engineer we take in more calories than the amount which is required to run this machine and those extra calories aren’t the buggers which comes out as shit, rather they stay and enjoy your shelter which ultimately leads to a protruding tummy. So that leads to the important question how much calories is needed everyday for sedentary software engineer who ‘allegedly’ uses his brain more than his brawn – it is 2700.

After checking my BMI I just needed to reduce 3 kgs or 6.6 lbs to achieve the magical number 25(naa I ain’t gonna reveal my actual weight here ;)). One pound of fat is equivalent to 3500 calories, so six pounds is equivalent to 21000 calories – the amount I need to burn. Yet another googling on food -> calories calculator, I figured that rice and juice are the main culprits and of course soft drinks. For my week ahead I am going to need 18900 calories, for which if I eat only 7000 calories (7 X 1000) my body would try to use the extra calories from my body that leaves me with 9100 calories. Damn what am I gonna do with them now… Idea… I decided to go running everyday. Running 4 kms I will burn close to 250 calories per day which implies I would burn 1750 calories in a week. It seems that by sleeping we burn approximately 60 calories per hour… 2 extra hours of sleeping everyday and that I would close the margin by 6000 calories which I decided to burn by doing intense physical exercise, extra hours of walking, singing (alone of course) talking more and standing. Damn I wish I was married… You can burn close to 200 calories by making love.

I got up on Monday with a plan; oops I thought about the plan and postponed my alarm by 2 hours. After sticking to the plan for the first 2 days, I started disliking the food. I craved for rice… even the tasteless sagar meals looked delicious and was tantalizing. I was surviving on rotis and to keep my taste buds alive ate frankies at times.

Third day: my roommate could no more tolerate and threatened to throw me out if I din’t stop singing… junk guy called that ‘shouting’. I decided to compensate with an extra hour of reading.

Fourth day: I started cursing myself for the idea and told that it was whole crap, but decided to go ahead… I felt a bit dizzy while running.

Fifth day: I wasn’t able to work. I felt hungry all the time and went paranoid that I ain’t eating properly and on the long run it would turn bad. I was trying to bring in all sorts of justifications to eat a cup of rice.

Sixth day: I had to spend all day alone. That’s even more pathetic. Mani curd rice… no… please no… please… It was night 12 O clock and the war wasn’t over yet. I went out searching for food… screw the idea of diet… I was going to eat fried rice, the only available food at that time… I was the happiest guy to see a small mobile kitchen at a distance. When I rushed towards it, the police were shouting at the guy and he started packing. Damn…

Seventh day: SUNDAYYYYY I slepttttt no energy to wake up… I didn’t wake up till 11. I decided to end the f*** crap and started towards ‘Nandhana’. On the way, the inner voice started again… Just one day Manivanna... Just one more meal… Isn’t it 2 more… nope logically the dinner on Sunday I had was a roti meal so I just had to skip rice for one more meal… and I did… hurrah!!!!

I started for a wholesome 7 course meal for Sunday dinner… Outside the hotel there was a weighing machine… Aroused by curiosity I checked my weight and I had lost 1.5 kgs… close to 3.3 lbs… Voww it worked… the f*** crap worked… but holy shit I have to repeat this for another week… stop it you idiot… no way I can live with BMI 24…

 

 

DISCLAIMER: The experiences posted by the author are not entirely facts and has an element of fiction added. Users aren't recommended to try this personally as it requires a great deal of mental toughness and might prove fatal.

A weekend to cherish..

“Tell us a joke”

I told one which I had heard recently. “That is a very old one, Why don’t you tell us a Rajinikant Joke” I am not kidding they asked me this in an IIM interview, that too IIM Bangalore, considered to be the second best B-School in India, asks you a joke so that they can laugh at your expense.

“Sir I am not able to recollect one now”

“That’s ok… your hobby is reading… What do you read? I am sure not THE HINDU and TOI... hahaha”

“Sir I read fiction. Crichton is my favorite, also books by Ludlum, Cook, and also Rowling” I have no clue why I mentioned her name.

“You mean harry potter???” as though I committed a crime on earth “I thought only gals and kids read that”

“Sir... No sir…” I said stuttering.

“So guys lie is it”. Thus the interview went on, with me playing the laughter stock for the panel. Well not entirely I too laughed with them… but mostly it was I who was laughed at.

After almost screwing up a dream come true offer, I started preparing for my IIM Indore interview, which was a couple of days away.

At times I wondered why each IIM has to conduct a separate interview than a common one. The agonizing part of organizing oneself wearing formals with a tie (That’s the worst thing that can happen to humans) starts again. I went to IIM B once more to attend my IIM I interview.

As usual the GD went fine and I again screwed my Personal Interview when a baldy started asking about security in TCP/IP. The interview never moved beyond that question. I came out with a relief similar to what a batsman would have had after not being able to score having played 30 balls while his partner is blasting at the other end. The peculiar thing is these IIM profs know everything under the sun. For the guy who went before me for the interview they asked about Data Compression algorithms and went deep into Huffman Coding.

After yet another screw up I went straight to forum. I ate to the fullest of my body. An egg briyani, a medium sized veg pizza, a veg tawa Frankie and ended it with a 500 ml coke. On the way home I was tempted by a pani-puri shop and had a couple of plates. When I reached my place I got a bigger size dairymilk and emptied that in a minute. Somewhere I read that Chocolates lessen your depression.

I reached home by 6 and after attending a couple of “YOU-DIDN’T-SCREW-YOUR-INTERVIEW” calls watched a movie. Then I slept. I slept till 3pm next day, replying to few sms in my sleep…I dunno whether I slept in agony or in relief. I went on and on sleeping only to be woken up by a headache. I get these heavy headaches when I am very hungry. Weird I didn't have a stomach ache. Went to the nearest bakery and ate loads of junk food. Came home watched a couple of other movies. Then again I slept to wake up only at 12 noon on Sunday.

Voww this is the best weekend I have ever had in my life. I have dreamt for such a weekend for many months. I cherished every moment of it… well I mean the moments I was not awake. Wish I could do this all my life.