Why am I not a gay

With due apologies to my sexy roommate venki….

It was early morning around 9:30 and I was in the process of opening my eye lids, the toughest job of the day. It is easier said than done especially in bangalore owing to its chill weather, the warmth of the blanket and bed makes even the most workaholic lazy.

“Ring ring ringa ring ring ringa…” thus I tried opening my eye lids, listening to the tunes of AR Rahman from his latest flick Slumdog millionaire. Such a seducing song can drive your thoughts wild early in the morning. The first spectacle of the day was Venki… who came back from a bath keeping the music on in his laptop.

He was fresh from a shower and was wearing only a kerchief. Oh it was actually a towel, thanks to venki’s mammoth stature which shrunk its size. It held on to his hips in such a way that it will fall down any second with the slightest flow of wind. Covering his vitals it exposed his concaves and convexes which glittered in the shimmering rays of the morning sun through the window. He quickly changed to a bikini… his thighs were like Rambha’s, aduppu mathiri oru iduppu and with overall plump figure he looked sexier than Shakeela in papa potta thaapa. It took me some effort to control my mind “That’s a boy Manivanna... that’s a boy… no... Don’t even think about it” 

Then I wondered why I am not a gay. There are considerable advantages being a gay.

First, obviously you can live with your partner in the same room and the whole world would encourage and appreciate it, sharing a room with girl friend… well ensure that Muthalik doesn’t know. 

Secondly, low maintenance cost, unlike a girl friend who would expect a gift every time you meet.

Thirdly, you can go out freely with your partner holding hands and no one would mind a thing, unlike the case when you go with your girl, they give a despising look, and even worse most of them would be drooling at your girl friend. 

Last but not the least,you can share clothes, including undergarments*

(*sizes apply)

Well one thing that has always puzzled me is “In what position do gays do?” 

Considering these advantages I wish I were a gay at times. Well what can I do, my hormones don’t work that way. Even in the case of venki, it was his feminine features that attracted me.

A week without rice

After my short stint as a python which costed me the appendix, I started worrying about my physique. I don’t look like a hippo (I think so) however I don’t look like a hrithik either (we are just talking about physical shape… color or facial appearance which can’t be changed unfortunately are not included here. It is my fate that I have to live with it… after trying fair & lovely,lush,lakme,et al. which proved invain and not to mention my haircut cum facial which shrunk my pocket by Rs.4000). So I decided to change the things which I had control over- my weight.

Googling on nutrition and diet I figured that essentially there is just one thing we need to take care of. The amount of food we eat should be in proportion with our day-to-day activities. We usually eat more than what is required (not a rocket science), speaking like an engineer we take in more calories than the amount which is required to run this machine and those extra calories aren’t the buggers which comes out as shit, rather they stay and enjoy your shelter which ultimately leads to a protruding tummy. So that leads to the important question how much calories is needed everyday for sedentary software engineer who ‘allegedly’ uses his brain more than his brawn – it is 2700.

After checking my BMI I just needed to reduce 3 kgs or 6.6 lbs to achieve the magical number 25(naa I ain’t gonna reveal my actual weight here ;)). One pound of fat is equivalent to 3500 calories, so six pounds is equivalent to 21000 calories – the amount I need to burn. Yet another googling on food -> calories calculator, I figured that rice and juice are the main culprits and of course soft drinks. For my week ahead I am going to need 18900 calories, for which if I eat only 7000 calories (7 X 1000) my body would try to use the extra calories from my body that leaves me with 9100 calories. Damn what am I gonna do with them now… Idea… I decided to go running everyday. Running 4 kms I will burn close to 250 calories per day which implies I would burn 1750 calories in a week. It seems that by sleeping we burn approximately 60 calories per hour… 2 extra hours of sleeping everyday and that I would close the margin by 6000 calories which I decided to burn by doing intense physical exercise, extra hours of walking, singing (alone of course) talking more and standing. Damn I wish I was married… You can burn close to 200 calories by making love.

I got up on Monday with a plan; oops I thought about the plan and postponed my alarm by 2 hours. After sticking to the plan for the first 2 days, I started disliking the food. I craved for rice… even the tasteless sagar meals looked delicious and was tantalizing. I was surviving on rotis and to keep my taste buds alive ate frankies at times.

Third day: my roommate could no more tolerate and threatened to throw me out if I din’t stop singing… junk guy called that ‘shouting’. I decided to compensate with an extra hour of reading.

Fourth day: I started cursing myself for the idea and told that it was whole crap, but decided to go ahead… I felt a bit dizzy while running.

Fifth day: I wasn’t able to work. I felt hungry all the time and went paranoid that I ain’t eating properly and on the long run it would turn bad. I was trying to bring in all sorts of justifications to eat a cup of rice.

Sixth day: I had to spend all day alone. That’s even more pathetic. Mani curd rice… no… please no… please… It was night 12 O clock and the war wasn’t over yet. I went out searching for food… screw the idea of diet… I was going to eat fried rice, the only available food at that time… I was the happiest guy to see a small mobile kitchen at a distance. When I rushed towards it, the police were shouting at the guy and he started packing. Damn…

Seventh day: SUNDAYYYYY I slepttttt no energy to wake up… I didn’t wake up till 11. I decided to end the f*** crap and started towards ‘Nandhana’. On the way, the inner voice started again… Just one day Manivanna... Just one more meal… Isn’t it 2 more… nope logically the dinner on Sunday I had was a roti meal so I just had to skip rice for one more meal… and I did… hurrah!!!!

I started for a wholesome 7 course meal for Sunday dinner… Outside the hotel there was a weighing machine… Aroused by curiosity I checked my weight and I had lost 1.5 kgs… close to 3.3 lbs… Voww it worked… the f*** crap worked… but holy shit I have to repeat this for another week… stop it you idiot… no way I can live with BMI 24…

 

 

DISCLAIMER: The experiences posted by the author are not entirely facts and has an element of fiction added. Users aren't recommended to try this personally as it requires a great deal of mental toughness and might prove fatal.

A weekend to cherish..

“Tell us a joke”

I told one which I had heard recently. “That is a very old one, Why don’t you tell us a Rajinikant Joke” I am not kidding they asked me this in an IIM interview, that too IIM Bangalore, considered to be the second best B-School in India, asks you a joke so that they can laugh at your expense.

“Sir I am not able to recollect one now”

“That’s ok… your hobby is reading… What do you read? I am sure not THE HINDU and TOI... hahaha”

“Sir I read fiction. Crichton is my favorite, also books by Ludlum, Cook, and also Rowling” I have no clue why I mentioned her name.

“You mean harry potter???” as though I committed a crime on earth “I thought only gals and kids read that”

“Sir... No sir…” I said stuttering.

“So guys lie is it”. Thus the interview went on, with me playing the laughter stock for the panel. Well not entirely I too laughed with them… but mostly it was I who was laughed at.

After almost screwing up a dream come true offer, I started preparing for my IIM Indore interview, which was a couple of days away.

At times I wondered why each IIM has to conduct a separate interview than a common one. The agonizing part of organizing oneself wearing formals with a tie (That’s the worst thing that can happen to humans) starts again. I went to IIM B once more to attend my IIM I interview.

As usual the GD went fine and I again screwed my Personal Interview when a baldy started asking about security in TCP/IP. The interview never moved beyond that question. I came out with a relief similar to what a batsman would have had after not being able to score having played 30 balls while his partner is blasting at the other end. The peculiar thing is these IIM profs know everything under the sun. For the guy who went before me for the interview they asked about Data Compression algorithms and went deep into Huffman Coding.

After yet another screw up I went straight to forum. I ate to the fullest of my body. An egg briyani, a medium sized veg pizza, a veg tawa Frankie and ended it with a 500 ml coke. On the way home I was tempted by a pani-puri shop and had a couple of plates. When I reached my place I got a bigger size dairymilk and emptied that in a minute. Somewhere I read that Chocolates lessen your depression.

I reached home by 6 and after attending a couple of “YOU-DIDN’T-SCREW-YOUR-INTERVIEW” calls watched a movie. Then I slept. I slept till 3pm next day, replying to few sms in my sleep…I dunno whether I slept in agony or in relief. I went on and on sleeping only to be woken up by a headache. I get these heavy headaches when I am very hungry. Weird I didn't have a stomach ache. Went to the nearest bakery and ate loads of junk food. Came home watched a couple of other movies. Then again I slept to wake up only at 12 noon on Sunday.

Voww this is the best weekend I have ever had in my life. I have dreamt for such a weekend for many months. I cherished every moment of it… well I mean the moments I was not awake. Wish I could do this all my life.

Every dog has its day

At last after 22 years of pleading,begging GOD heeded to my prayers….

I had to travel Chennai to get my RECOs and managed to get only Side Upper berth in Chennai Mail because of TATKAL. It is the sickest way to travel since you have to bend your body to fit in the length of the berth and sleep, not to mention the can’t-you-go-up look from the Side Lower Berth guy with whom you share the seating for the first few hours of the journey. I reached the station 5mins after the scheduled departure of the train time, thanks to the traffic. Thank god the train was still there... For once Murphy ’s Law dint work in my life... When I reached my seat I was stuck by a thunder bolt to see a gorgeous… sitting in the opposite seat.

She was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, wearing a black T-shirt and a black jean which contrasted her yellow skin very well. She wore a small black bindi and big ear rings. She wore no bangles and wore only a fast track wrist watch. She was constantly pushing her hair back which was falling on her face because of the wind. Thanks to my idea of having a shave and a shower before I started, I at least felt confident despite the fact that I looked no better than before.

The biggest problem was how to start the conversation now. I saw her drinking water from a bottle; shall I cough and ask for water? Damn she would think u are sick.. How about saying a hi and ask where she was going? This train goes to Chennai dumbo.. oh yeah she would say that… and I can make fun like Aamir in DCH and say “Kamal hein hum theeno Chennai ja rahen hein, mein thum aur is train”. Buddy you are an Amjad khan not Aamir. How about doing a Surya from varanam aayiram as though I became mad after just seeing her and jump up and down? Machi namma rangeku vadiveluve better. After contemplating a couple of more cheap ideas I settled down to read Ayn Rand’s FOUNTAIN HEAD, cursing my fate that I dint look that handsome.

“Excuse me”… where did that sound come from? Mixing Celine Dion’s melody with Rihanna’s pitch and shakira’s tone and singing “mar jaawa…” in Asha Bhonsle’s voice… effect. Who sang that...? Sorry who spoke that...? After searching all 359 degrees around me I atlast turned to the 360^th degree to have a glance at the beautiful lady.

“Yes” I replied in I don’t care much voice.

“Can I take the Upper Berth, if you don’t have any problem?” Ohh we can both take the same berth I thought. Most of the girls don’t want to sleep in lower berth for safety concerns.

“Ohh Upper Berth… it won’t be much airy… well ok” I replied in only-for-you tone.

“Thanks a lot… Ayn Rand…, you always read some serious stuff huh?”

Ahh this the chance Manivanna use the Brahmastra you have

“Not generally I am just reading it for my GD|PI sake. I usually read Crichton”

“GD|PI? Any higher studies huh?”

Ahh I have to handle this very carefully here… Just give her only the info she wants and don’t blurt everything as you do. Try to be humble machi..

“Yeah” I said with a smiling face.

“MBA?”

“Yes” again with a glowing face.

“IIMs?”

“Well Yeah IIMs too...” I said carefully showing that I got calls from others too J

“Voww that’s great. What all calls you have”

Bull’s Eye maga. Should I say B L I K, that is good yeah.. but machi you have to build up the image.. A few lies aren’t gonna harm anyone.

“All IIMs and XLRI” I said.

“Great... Congrats” she said extending her hands for a shake. Machiiii un kaatla mazhai po. I extended mine and shook gently as though they were petals of a flower.

“Did you also write CAT?” I asked.

“Yeah but couldn’t cross 96 percentile. How much did you get?”

“99.76” I said.

“I should fall in your feet only...” Oh sure you can do that after marriage.

“Well I am writing it for the third time... So it is not that big a deal”. I said trying to be modest.

“You are trying to be modest here. How much in XAT?” she asked

“99.9” I said blushing. Well that’s true.

“I guessed so…” “By the way I am Suchitra, you can call me Suchi” she said extending her hand once more. Damn why dint I think about this before.

“Ohh yeah I am Manivannan you can call me... aa..Hmm... Well... You can call me Mannu” I said.

“So Mannu…” Can you say it once more?? It is sweeter than Khaju Burfi… “Which company are you working with?”… The conversation went on for more than two hours… diving into Anna University, Sub Prime Crisis, Satyam Crisis, ClearCase, WIPRO (she works for WIPRO), my BRAVO awards, PATENT, my blog, on and on and on…

Morning she left wishing “All the Best” with yet another hand shake, this time initiated by yours truly J promising that she would keep in touch.

I gave her my business card… hope she calls…

Follow your heart...

Blog.. No SOP.. Blog No SOP.. ok finally BLOG. This is how I have been fighting with myself for the past few weeks. And on one such day my friend Ram called “Machi Skandagiri tomorrow enna solra?” a whole weekend would be ruined, have to write SOP, complete office work, read Fountain Head, update myself with current affairs, read my engineering subjects, attend GD PI classes, invent why I have to do MBA, find out what are my strengths and weaknesses after living on earth for 22 years, write Blog, in spite of all that my heart wanted to go… half of the heart nope in fact as you can count 1\10^th of my heart wanted to go and I said yes!!

Then started GOOGLING about what Skandagiri was. There were plenty of blogs about the place with pictures put up. The scenery looked awesome and I was convinced my decision. We packed loads of health drinks, water, biscuits and of course GLUCOSE. We started at 2 in the night in 2 bikes. It was a freezing ride all the way (close to 70kms from old airport road) on the highway NH7. The place was easy to find, and we saw the place packed with cars and bikes already. We bargained a guide for Rs.250 (thanks to RAM and his kannada skills).

Way up was adventurous. It wasn’t as tiring as tirumala was, but it definitely deserves its respect. At some places it was very steep; at many it was too narrow and almost throughout it was very dark (even on a full moon). You have to really very careful, just a foot wrongly placed and you kiss goodbye to your life. We took occasional breaks, but it wasn’t really all that tiresome especially with PJs from RAM and ARJUNE.

Arjune “Machi can’t we go up soon?”

Ram “Sure da, just place your foot one more inch leftside”

Arjune “Dei then I would fall down”

Ram “Exactly, that is your passport and visa to go straight up”

When we reached the top, it was freezing cold especially when the winds blow against you (even with gloves and a fur coat). It was crowded like a college canteen, people were having campfire everywhere and dancing around it. Then we all waited patiently for the sun to rise.

“Why is taking so long da? It is very bright already but I don’t see it at all” asked a pissed off Arjune.

“Probably it has taken a day off” said Karthik.. machi you too???

“Oh yeah it’s Sunday today da. I told you guys, we could have come yesterday” said MokkaRAJA RAM

For a minute I started believing Ram, but then came up the million dollar sight. There came the sun like you would see in those discovery channels. I first saw a pinch of gold then very slowly a golden ball started rising up slowly. The movement was so gentle and soft like a just born baby. Soon I was able to see a full round reddish orange ball. I would climb ten more skandagiris for that sight. It was definitely worth it.

After quenching our thirst for the eyes we soon started filling up our stomachs. After the photography session we started our way down. It was more fun than the way up. Especially with RAM’s butt slide and Arjune’s Monkey stunt (he just missed a 1000 feet free fall). Though it wasn’t a tiring one it was no less challenging than the way up.

It was very late already close to 9 and we reached city by 10:15. When we had to wait in a traffic signal I felt the scorching heat of the sun when I heard RAM saying “Hell with this SUN who asked it to come up so early…”

One of the best days in my life

It wasn’t anything new to me, I have been there twice already and this is the third time. In fact I have failed on both the previous occasions and hence I was there for the third time. Will I make it at least this time? Or is it gonna be yet another time?

Not every day you sit at work and expect something to happen that would change the way you are gonna live the rest of your life, but it was one such day, the day my CAT results were gonna be out. Actually it was the next day the results were expected, but the anxiety and pressure started a day before. I left office early since there was no point sitting and staring a website refreshing it 500 times a minute.

“Leaving so soon?” my colleague who also had given CAT asked me. One of the advantages of writing CAT is even though you don’t get through you would definitely befriend many. In fact by losing CAT you can possibly make more friends than getting through it. (Have heard about the B school culture and how people are ‘real’ friends)

“Would die of heart attack if I sit here 5 more minutes dude”.

I walked out of office pondering over my result; nothing else in the world seemed to matter. Not even the auto wala who just passed by abusing me for unknown reason. My friend called me then bringing the first bad news of the day, the CAT keys were out. I went running to check my answers with the keys. I never used to mark the answers in the Question paper hoping that I would definitely remember them later. But then I remembered nothing, not even a single answer even though I would have gone through the same paper at least thirty times before.

IIMs had uploaded the results and had tested it for a few minutes. Hundreds had seen their results already and posted them over the forums. I was following them for about 2 hours, some were happy but many were sad. It took me sometime to realize why my hands were wet, I was crying and the tears were flowing down my cheeks on my hands.

One of my best friends called me and caught me in that embarrassing position.

“Hey why are you crying?”

“Nope nothing”

“The results came, is it?”

“Yeah”

“You didn’t make it is it? Come on man there is more in life than just CAT and MBA. Chalo lets have dinner.”

Adi pavi how many days I had called you for dinner, all those days you refused and now you are asking me out.

“No yar I am not coming”

“Seri how much did you get?”

“I haven’t see my result yet”

“WTF, then why the hell are you crying?”

“I saw a few scores posted by people and going by that I am definitely not gonna make it. It is kind of this anticipatory bail which people apply when they know that they are gonna end up in jail, I am crying anticipating my results.”

“dei you and your sick PJs even now eh?? Don’t worry man you will definitely get calls”

That is what everyone has been telling me; somehow others trusted me more than I trusted myself. It was almost 11, no sign of results, unable to control my anxiety I went for a walk in the deserted streets (as though presence of humans would have mattered).

When I was sound asleep almost at 12:30 my colleague called me.

“Dude the results are out”

“WTF, bugger... Why on earth now? How much did you get?”

“99.99 dude all 7” (he meant calls from 7 IIMs for GD\PI)

“Congrats man!!! I will go check mine”

I opened my laptop to check my results half hearted, knowing almost I would have flunked and why am I checking now… ruining my night’s sleep. As expected I had screwed up especially in my verbal. Ok dude yet another year wasted, at least you got a good rating in your appraisal at work, you didn’t lose everything, go sleep I was consoling. When I was about to close the web page I saw that I had actually got calls from 4 IIMs. I called up my parents and friends. Everyone said the same “Dude you should be jumping with joy, why do you sound sad”.

Well frankly I felt nothing, it was too much for me to handle. I had dreamt of this day for the past 3 years in my life, but now when my dream had actually come true it was almost like a shock. That was the best day in my life after almost 6 years (the last best was my TNPCEE results). It took me almost a day to recover from the shock and then only a day later I felt happiness. But then I realized I haven’t completed the work, I have just started it…

Expecto Patronum!!!!

My family doctor diagnosed that I had acute appendicitis by just pressing my abdomen and ratified that later with a scan for my satisfaction (dissatisfaction rather…) He advised immediate appendectomy since it was the nascent stage and can be performed by Laparoscopy (an easy painless process) rather than the traditional cut open way. For the next 2 days I surfed over the net regarding the disease, the hospital and the doctor who is going to perform the surgery. I was satisfied with my doc’s reputation for he is the first one to perform a liver transplant in India… man that’s something. Ok I won’t die for sure…

The D-Day arrived and with it the most awkward moment too. The ward boy came with a razor to shave my pubic hairs. I stripped to my briefs but he wanted me to be naked. After confirming that he wasn’t a gay I agreed passively with a strict warning not to get lured by my six packs. After that I was dressed up in a surgical suite, the most comfortable dress I have worn till date. I was moved to Operation Theater after my cousin wished me ALL THE BEST!!!

He can be the best doctor in town but if ‘saneeswaran’ sleeps beside you in a double cot there is little he can do. When I just entered the theater the security came running to the doc with the best news I could possibly hear.

“Hey doc… Is ‘HELL 666’ white Honda Civic in L2 parking yours?”
“Yup. Any parking problem?”
“Nothing much… it’s just that it carries an attractive black dent now. Thought you would be interested to meet the creator of the dent.”
“What the f**k???? I got it painted only last week. Who the hell was that irresponsible guy?”
“I don’t know, a black SWIFT DESIRE guy”
“ohho..That’s my cousin” said yours truly in a pleading voice.

What an auspicious start. When the doc left I was given anesthesia. Had one helluva sleep.

It took me sometime to realize why I was there. Thanks to the pain in my right abdomen, it helped me to figure out the whole story. “Someone please save me. Please help me. I can’t bear the pain… anybody… please” I cried. I wasn’t able to see properly, but definitely I can tell that humans walked around, as though I never existed. Perhaps I thought I was dead, but then there shouldn’t be any pain… Well how do you know how death is like idiot you have never experienced it, then I felt someone pushing my body, though my visibility was pretty poor the words OPERATION THEATER beneath a bright red bulb was crystal clear. Why am I being taken to the operation theater again? Something has definitely gone wrong.

“Hey that case was just operated” told one ward boy laughing at the other two guys who moved me to the THEATER. Voww… that was relieving. I was taken to my room. These days local anesthesia is used for surgeries and hence I woke up within a few minutes after my operation was completed. I had a severe pain because the doc had performed a cut open (due to my cousin???) and unfortunately they can’t give a pain killer shot for the next 8 hours. Definitely one of the worst days in my life, I squealed all the while till I was given a pain killer.

Though you don’t do any work, hospital is not a good place to be on earth to spend time. Operation sucks out half the happiness in your life and the hospital environment takes care of the rest. Tough times ahead… I wasn’t even able to walk without a support for the next few days. I was down both mentally and physically to that level that I was fully confident my brain can’t work out a simple arithmetic problem anymore. I would have literally died but for the nurses.

Even the worst ‘mokkai’ among your friends circle would be the best joke for them. And they will be ready to talk as much as you want for they get a change in their ‘sick’ life. And they provide extra care while injecting an IV if you just say “You are the best!!!” The ultimate point was when I learnt to check the B.P. in a sphygmomanometer from a hottie and my first patient was her.

I had to spend the whole of next week at home in bed-rest. It was damn too boring for my mom banned computers. I would have savored any phone call or visit from anyone on earth. But to my dismay the phone calls were paltry in number. I felt lonely in the country of a billion.

The longest conversation I had was with HSBC marketing lady who dint trust that I was already holding a GOLD CREDIT CARD of theirs and started in a cute voice “Sir. Don’t lie sir”. The conversation went on for another TEN minutes.

At last the year…. oops the week passed by, I was back in Bangalore doing what I am best at… EATING!!! Well now that I don’t have appendicitis and it does not grow back at least in the case of normal human beings I started hogging again.
In the last weekend’s party I heard someone saying “Mani will finish those samosasssss…don’t worry”